Welp, I definitely didn’t expect to arrive at this point. Motivation, inspiration, all of it… long gone when it comes to web work.
“Long gone” is probably a bit extreme. There’s a chance my feelings could be reversed in the right situation. But right now, shit… I’d rather do just about anything else than sit at my computer all day and jam keys.
I’m not sure if it’s the keys themselves or the reason behind the jamming. But I do know that it doesn’t excite me anymore. I’m pretty sure I know why, too.
I stopped learning. I didn’t stop because I wanted to. I stopped because what I learn doesn’t even matter if I have nowhere to apply it. I probably do, but because of how my days are spent, I feel like I don’t.
I cancelled my Treehouse account about a month ago. I only logged in maybe once every two months for the last six months or so. It was time to stop paying for it.
I have no passion projects. They require time and dedication. Sure, passion will cause you to squeeze in whatever time you can find even if it’s just an hour each week. But that’s not how I do passion. If I’m passionate about something, fuck everything else. That’s how I progress. I won’t nibble at my passions. That’s not passion for me. I don’t really care how others define passion.
People are annoying as fuck. No one pays attention to the world around them. They only understand their small, narrow view of things. They tug and pull nonstop. They move aimlessly throughout everyone else’s space with no consideration for what it does to others. They take nonstop. Giving is not only avoided, it’s regarded as something they shouldn’t even consider. I don’t want other people involved in my passions. They’re all over the place right now, though. I can’t open a [digital] window without someone asking me for something.
My ideal spot in this world is in the background doing meaningful shit anonymously. I’m not a front-facing kind of guy. If someone needs to shut the fuck up, I need to be able to tell him or her to shut the fuck up. If I can’t do that, not only am I left dealing with that person’s nonsense, I also have to deal with myself… fighting these internal demons. Before you know it, everything is bad.
It’d be cool if I could just change my views. Some of you probably think I should. But you don’t know my history. You don’t realize that damn near every one of my past accomplishment would be removed from the list if I was any other way.
The problem now, though, is that I am how I am but I am not in control of my daily activities. I don’t decide whether or not I’m in the background doing meaningful work. I have a boss. He decides that.
Does it make me want to go harder and get back to running my own shit? Yup. I don’t because I believe in what I do. I love the company and I am excited to be part of its growth.
So, yea… every single day… I struggle to deal with that cognitive dissonance. The shit sucks, to say the least. I don’t know what to do. So, I don’t want to do anything but drop it all. Web work is now officially annoying. I’d rather do risk assessment all day long with the goal of making smart financial investments. I’ll do that full-time someday. The web will go back to being something I do for fun.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I don’t have Twitter for venting anymore so I’m writing here. Time to get back to staring at this computer and not doing the shit I’m supposed to be doing.
I’ll find a way out of this misery, I’m sure. I always do.